After the first Released episode of my Podcast, I have received different feedback and I’m really glad some of you had interesting questions and curiosity related to knowing me better, my experiences and adventures that I lived around the world. 

So first of all, to start answering your questions, surely the Sharm El Sheik event wasn’t the first reason for my pain/malaise. That was only the cherry on the cake, the last drop on a full cup of water that gushed out of the container and somehow “exploded” as a swollen river. 

One more thing that maybe wasn’t clear is that my parents splitted when I was 16 years old.

The relationship with my mother for me was always a big deal in the sense that I never felt wanted. She was quite clear about that also. I am the firstborn and as per my mother’s background she never gave me (my brother or sister) many affective moments. She cared because she had to, but she found it very hard to manifest pure love. Actually, the reason is because of the environment she lived in all her childhood and I understood much later on, of course I can’t blame her today, although when you are a child and a teenager you can’t really reach this deep intuition about your mother’s past. You just become, in my case, a total Rebel. I was Rebel in school, in family, in society. Everywhere. Today I feel compassion for her, our relationship isn’t really existing but I forgave her at the best of my possibilities. And I know she did the very best too in her power. I am not so much in contact with her because she is able to affect my life incredibly and I find it very difficult to relive that space I had endured for 18 years of my life. When I was about 9-10 years old I had only the desire to end these suffering moments; I was praying God let me reach my 18 years old to be independent and free as soon as possible or actually to die because it was too much to handle. Today I am absolutely a happy person, in my power, with of course many ups & downs that life presents as everyone goes through in their life. 

Thanks to my Mother I did the most extreme experiences to live all she couldn’t live in her life. And I can’t be more grateful for the fact that she gave me life. For this and much more I am so grateful. 

My relationship with my father, instead, it was and it is very different. It honestly wasn’t always easy but I have realized so many things after my Primal Therapy in India with Bela Dubellman which will be one of the first guests in this podcast. Until my adult age, I always considered him the Best father in the world. And for me, he is really that. But surely, his rules and his religion conditioned my way of living my life, inflicting many doubts and fears within me. I was always living in a state of being wrong in front of some higher judge. So to be supported and respected by him, I have chosen his way until I was 18 and when I perceived I was conducting almost a double life, full of lies, it was time to stop and be honest. Much younger it was the only choice I had to escape my mother. My father is a Jehovan’s Witness and surely you all know that it’s incredibly restrictive and from my point of view, a very close-minded religion. I respect him very much, he is a very distinct and honourable person, that even if we think differently, love comes first. He is there for me, no matter what. 

To come back to the last episode, in my 20 I had a fall because I couldn’t stand anything anymore and the stress of the body manifesting all the suffering was the beginning of getting to know myself at a Deep Level. The first understanding I had was that I didn’t want to continue the IED University (Institute European of Design) at the address of Project Management & Events. I wanted to leave everything for studying Naturopathy but I had a strong sense of responsibility and guilt towards the fact that my father and I were making so much effort to pay for this University. Although I knew it was essential to release my stress, I had no much time because I was doing 3 jobs to pay the university installments. Parallel to this I started a cycle of session with a psychologist that was a sweet woman, dearly compassionate and very detached too. She exposed herself only once to say that she didn’t know how I could overcome being an independent and sane person out of the mess I saw in my family life. For the first time I felt I wasn’t alone. Someone could understand me.

In my twenties I was a dreamer, and I wanted to enjoy my life at the fullest. Once I finished my University I got engaged in an important event Company in Milan and although I had the dream to leave for some new adventure, I stayed in Italy. A year later, my contract was ending and I packed my backpack and left for Australia. Just before that, my anxiety reached a level of taking Xanax to help me sleep and function properly during the day because I felt so many times, I was going to die of pain in my chest while I was in the night alone in my bed. Xanan can be really addictive. It is most commonly used in short term management of anxiety disorders, specifically panic disorder or generalized anxiety disorder

But there is something I love about my personality which is my willing power: since the very first Pill I knew it was only a momentary process and I was going to end this addiction by myself (because it always becomes an addiction if you don’t fix the issue). I couldn’t count on Doctor and this was already very clear much earlier to me. I asked for support to stop taking this and he wasn’t able to help. This is where, to me, the allopathic medicine works on suppressing the symptoms but it’s not going at the source of the issue itself. 

I stopped in Australia and I tell you how in my podcast.

However, I left Italy to OZ at 23 years old, planning in advance only my first month in a host family to be forced practising english and I had only 2000 Euro in my banking account. I wanted to trust the Flow and where life wanted to take me. When I travelled more than 2 days because I reached Frankfurt by train and from there, 3 flights until I reached Cairns which is a city in the Cairns Region, Queensland, Australia. It is on the east coast of Far North Queensland.  

I choose that destination… and you can listen my podcast about this here.

The Host Family in Australia it’s totally another experience from anything I heard before on Host Families. It was all a New Setup, waking up early in a Tropical climate with Birds singing loud (very loud), houses without locks and this amazing family was making everything super comfortable for me, they made so much to make me feel very welcome during my stay. They were living in a beautiful quiet place in Nature where they had an amazing Garden and helped me with all the processes requested by the school, in renting bicycles and buying my favourite food and so on. Australia was the choice of going at the farest distant point from Italy. Just being far and after a life that I felt extremely suppressive I had so much freedom. It was all I needed to experience. FREEDOM.

The very first day at school, before entering the class, I was sitting in a waiting area, close to a girl that had the same age as mine, called Severine from France. Well, I can’t explain in detail, but she was later on in my same course and level and she became my best friend in all my Australian time, we had so many magical, tragic and intense moments together that I will never and ever forget. We are nowadays still in contact and every few years we make the effort to meet again.

Severine had the great or crazy idea of trying the Fruit Picking Job. She said since she had that chance of being in Australia it was a must to try. I don’t know why I followed her but maybe because my english wasn’t so great and I liked her presence so I wanted to give it a taste of this experience that has been said to be very remunerative. Also I wanted to travel with a great company and she was absolutely perfect. 

By the way we probably chose the worst option because we had the chance of working on a Tomato Farm that had no Tomato inside. So that Job was absolutely frustrating because we weren’t earning enough money, we were living in a MOTEL that looked like the one in the American Movie Horror, with lots of inconvenience and crazy people around us. Bowen is a small town in Australia with not so much to offer to young people rather than its most beautiful skies I ever saw in my life. Sykes in the night were full of Stars and so limpid, during the day the clouds were so beautiful expressing in the most different shapes and forms. Severine and I started having back pain out of that Job, so we decided to move to a different farm and place far from there, which was a Hostel with people the same age as us, more feeling of a Community. The place is Bundaberg well known for backpackers. Even here we had many interesting adventures in the farms, with bad bugs, but it was definitely a fun time, meeting new people and friends and spending my first Christmas out of Europe with totally different weather and not the sense of living it. 

From there I met many more incredible friends that have been in my life until now and I am incredibly grateful for. I think writing all the stunning places I had a chance to see, to go so deep within myself it isn’t impossible to storytell all. Even in the farm the Job you were chosen from the Owners to give you a better position given by seniority rights and also proper attitude. So I had the chance and honour of Working on a Tomato Picking Fruit Machine (and I am laughing while typing this) and later on, a nice job in a Plant Farm. When I had enough money to travel I went on a trip with an Italian girl that I met there, all the way down to the Gold Coast until we reached Melbourne where I had an Italian friend staying there. With Severine I met again later there.

In Melbourne I have settled well, I found a very nice italian restaurant to work for and again I had the chance to live a very nice and decent life. 

When I was in there and having worked for 3 months on a farm, I had the chance to apply for a second year Visa. The reality is that something bigger was coming to my shoulders, again as a disastrous consequence of my destroyed family. 

My sister was 14 years old and she was pregnant. Now, knowing my family and my background you can even imagine how this hitted me inside. I felt a sense of guilt because she wanted to keep the child and I wasn’t close to her much. My father as you can imagine, wanted my sister to not abort, and my mother was against it, but in the most insensible way. 

I took 3 days to realize this for real. So many years after this it was absolutely still incredible to digest and accept it. I wanted the choice for my sister to live her young age without being stressed about all the things she could potentially face. At that time, surely it has been another additional trauma to accept. 

Since I am back based in Italy, sometimes I am still thinking this is all so incredible… 

But Today I embraced this experience, I thank my sister for being a wonderful mother of 2 fantastic daughters which are my nieces. They teach me so many things and I am really lucky to have them as Masters.

The Outcome of my Experience in Oceania is that I had a great realisation which was that for the first time in my life I could really put myself at the first place in my life. Feel me, myself, my needs and only me. Doing whatever I wanted when I wanted was the real gift to make me understand I can have a happy life. My pain went completely out of my body and I know why, definitely I was out of stress. 

You remember when I said above, that I wanted to die so young because I was suffering so much? Well, the very point that took me in the research of my happiness is that I felt we don’t get a chance to live this life to be simply SAD, or this whole thing-life-existense won’t make any sense at all. This Path is truly hard and never really ends. And surely, it was an important understanding for me. 

I hope this was enough inspiration for you and see you in the next episode!